I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Let's get the cat blown out
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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