I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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