Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We are two peas in an std pod
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
