Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
