he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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