Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
