Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
