for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
