A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
