They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
