If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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