apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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