Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
