It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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