I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
