im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
