Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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