The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
