1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
