Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
