I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
