she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
