I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
