I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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