Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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