i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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