Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
