ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
