I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
