we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
