I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
