Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
