I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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