He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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