I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
