im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
