I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
