Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
