I'm drive I can fine osifer
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
