Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
