I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
