someone get that fucking seahorse.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
