she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
