I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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