i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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