i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
