I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
