Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
