Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
