I'm going to jail i love you
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
