im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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